The ability to refuse is expensive. First of all, to you personally. Since far from everyone can refuse and not feel remorse.
It is clear that never failing to simply refuse. There will always be those who will need your attention, location, time, money and even freedom. But life is yours! And you have your own plans for her. How often do they not coincide with the plans of others.
Your regular customer asks for a huge discount that you can’t give him, otherwise your company will have to work at the expense of yourself.
You scheduled a family dinner today, and your boss urgently calls you to the office. However, you are well aware that the case can wait until the morning.
Your friend made you an offer, and you are not ready to accept it.
Your colleague asks for money on loan, and you have already planned the entire budget.
How to refuse all these people, while maintaining a good relationship? How to refuse politely?
The ability to firmly say No is a component of self-confidence. A confident person will refuse competently, and then calmly explain the reason for the refusal. Not fictitious, not bloated, quite obvious.
In fact, if you agree to do something and don’t do it, because you cannot initially do this, you give the person hope. And you’re deceiving him ... It would be better if everything was put right away. But for some reason you are afraid to refuse.
And how often do you concede to the annoying seller in the store and as a result you buy an absolutely unnecessary thing.
The root causes of fear of failure will not delve into. More often than not, self-doubt is at the core. Sometimes there is not enough willpower ...
So, we learn to refuse politely.
1. Take your time with an answer. Think about the pros and cons. Analyze all the options. What is fraught with this offer for you? Why did you decide to refuse? Arguments must be iron.
2. Refuse only after you find within yourself strength and inner determination.
3. Refuse firmly, but not harshly. "I can’t give you this amount of money ..." Do not flirt, try to speak confidently and calmly. Otherwise, the interlocutor will think that you are simply stuffing yourself a price or hesitating and will insist on your own.
4. Argument your refusal. “I can’t accept your offer, because I consider you my good friend” “I can’t lend money, because I have to repay the loan by the end of the month.” Just don't lie! Your lies will come out right there. And conscience will torment even more.
5. Make a mini compliment: “I am glad that you turned to me for help.” “Only very strong people can make such offers.” Just do not flirt, do not flirt, otherwise this rejection will be perceived as hope. Difficult? Learn! The psychology of relationships is always labor.
6. Tell me your way out of the situation. “Now I can’t come to the office, it’s too late and I’m busy. Tomorrow morning I will come an hour earlier and will certainly prepare the necessary papers for negotiations. ” “I will not be able to give you this amount in debt, because I bought a large thing today, but I know of one credit cooperative, where they will help you arrange this amount for a year.”
7. Always speak in a friendly manner, do not be rude and do not respond aggressively. Your task is to maintain relations with the interlocutor.
8. Never use irritating words such as “problem, mistake, mistake, wrong, wrong” and so on. To find out what words become those anchors of irritation that spoil any conversation, speak them out loud and listen to your feelings. Try to replace these words with positive and life-affirming ones.
9. The last phrase is remembered and your vis-a-vis should have a pleasant aftertaste from the conversation, and not the bitterness of rejection. “Thank you for your understanding, I really hope that my refusal will not be able to spoil our future relationship. I am always ready to help you, you know! ”
Refuse elegantly! But refuse only when you really can’t do something. The ability to refuse on time is as important as agreeing on time. Good relationships with people are very expensive. Sometimes your refusal may just save them.
How to learn to refuse people
1. Use the word "No."
Use "No", "Not this time", but not "I do not think so", "I'm not sure", "Maybe next time". The word" No "has incredible power. Use it if you are absolutely and precisely sure that there can be no other answer. And you do not need to apologize for your answer. Practice saying the word" No "until you feel comfortable, pronouncing it.
2. Use decisive but polite options.
I appreciate your time, but no thanks.
Thank you for thinking about me, but my plate is already full.
Not today, thanks.
Not for me, thanks.
I'm afraid that I can’t.
I'm not very interested in yoga / hard rock / computer games, but thanks for asking.
Perhaps I will refuse.
This applies to family, friends, and even your boss. You don't have to come up with some elaborate tricks all the time - just say you don't want to. If you don’t want to go to the event, because you had a hard week, and you are more likely to stay home and watch TV, say so. Do not invent a dying grandmother to make your excuse more acceptable.
4. Do not continue to explain.
In some cases, it is better not to go into details. If you start to make excuses too much, it will seem like you are lying, or it will allow someone who asks you to find workarounds and make you agree.
5. Do not be afraid to say it twice.
Some people do not respect the boundaries of other people or are used to having a person give up if asked again. Do not give in just because someone is too persistent. Smile politely, and again say “No”, even more firmly than the first time.
6. If necessary, say "because."
Studies have shown that the word “because” makes people agree with you, even if the reason is completely absurd. Instead of saying, “Unfortunately, I cannot arrange a meeting,” try to give a reason to mitigate the denial.
7. Smile and shake your head.
You can resort to this before leaving. This works when people in the streets are handing out flyers or trying to get you to sign something.
8. Be adamant.
Imagine that you are the person who controls the situation. Make eye contact and speak clearly. Do not mumble your refusal to yourself. This is especially important when you feel they want to take advantage of you.
9. Do not take free samples.
We tend to reciprocate when they give us something. If you tried cheese at a tasting in a supermarket, and the girl convinces you to buy it, you would rather agree if you did not start trying it.
10. If they tell you to jump out of the window, will you do it?
It's easy to fall into the trap of the phrase “Yes,” because others also say “Yes.” Do not do this.
How to refuse a person
11. Remind yourself what it will cost you.
What will you lose by agreeing? Time, money, health? Nothing is given just like that.
Your intuition rarely fails you. If you feel that something is wrong, listen to your instincts and say "No."
13. Suggest an alternative.
This is especially useful at work when you do not want to be considered a person who fails all the time.
If you’re too busy to undertake any task that you would like to accomplish in the future, you can say: "I will not be able to help you with this project right now, but I would be glad to see it next month, when I will be more free.".
14. Reassign to someone.
If you want to deny someone something, but know a person who would agree, share this information. "I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you organize the holiday, but I know that Anna is engaged in baking cakes, maybe ask her?"
However, you should not use this as an excuse to substitute people that you do not like, otherwise you will be considered a bastard.
If you are ready to meet, you can try to negotiate. This will allow you to accept the request without directly refusing. We can ask you to reduce the number of assignments, ask for a longer deadline to complete the work, or to share the work with someone else.
How to refuse a request
16. Do not delay.
It makes no sense to make a person wait for an answer if you know that the answer will be negative. Delaying with an answer only exacerbates the situation. Do not say “I will think about it” if you are not going to do it.
17. You can change your answer.
If you once agreed, this does not mean that you should always do this.
18. Repeat this often.
The devil is not so terrible as he is painted. The more you practice, the less frightening it becomes. Start refusing anything that does not add any value to your life.
When you say, “Sorry, I can’t,” though it softens your message and makes it polite, it sounds pretty blurry. Better sayWhat a pity, I would like to help, but I already made an appointment with .... I wish you good luck".
20. The desire to please.
We often agree with something that does not have a primary role, because we do not want people to think badly about us. However, some people will think badly of us anyway, no matter how polite you are. So stop worrying about what other people will think, and say, finally, “No.”
21. Ahead of the request.
When you learn to refuse, you will begin to say "No" in advance before the request arises. If you think that your friend is going to invite you to the wedding, let him know that you are aground.
22. Avoid those who constantly ask for something.
If you know a person who constantly asks for money, never returning them, avoid him, especially when you know that he has just such a period.
23. A harmless lie.
Of course, in most cases you need to tell the truth, but sometimes you have to be inventive with the answer. For example, if you know that your grandmother will try to persuade you to eat her pies, tell her that the doctor forbade you to eat flour if you do not want to offend her. If your grandmother is very persistent, return to tip number 2.
You should use this answer only if you know for sure that you will consider this request later. For example, you can say that consider this issue when you return in a week. If the request is not urgent, do not drop everything, but say that you will get to work as soon as you complete your project.
How to tactfully refuse
41. Last time it was wonderful.
Sometimes you need to refuse, even if you used to say yes. This is best done by confirming that, although you liked it last time, this time you won’t be able to go for it.
42. Set your priorities.
If you are given a job for which you do not have time, and the refusal is not accepted, ask what you will have to refuse. "It sounds interesting, I would love to do it, but that means that I can’t write a report by Friday. So what do you want me to do first?"
43. How sweet of you.
If your mother-in-law wants to make you a noisy birthday party, and you prefer to just sit with close friends, be grateful, but refuse. "How nice of you, but I already planned to go with my friends to sit in a cafe".
44. Become less available.
Do not give your phone to everyone except friends and family. Ask people to send you a message, not to call. Reduce the number of friends on social networks.
Perhaps and impossible - these are magic words. However, use this phrase with confidence and you won’t have to say anything else.
46. What an honor to me.
For example, if you were asked to give a speech at a wedding or become a godmother, and you do not want to appear rude, use this phrase.
"It is an honor for me, but since I don’t like speaking in public, I will not be able to cope with this role as it should, and I’m afraid that I will let you down. Maybe you ask someone else?".
The habit of saying yes: why it’s bad to be trouble-free at work
One of the most common difficulties is the need to refuse people. And although at work situations often arise in which, due to your professional duties, you simply cannot say no, other circumstances will arise day by day, giving you a certain freedom of choice. How to use your right to say no and correctly formulate a refusal?
Reason as follows: without saying “no” at the right time, you will put the needs of the other person above your own. Do you really want this? At work, there are many situations where your needs are no less important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of colleagues. Remember how often colleagues rejected you. And you calmly and without irritation accepted this answer. So why worry about being upset if you behave the same way?
The real problem is that a constant “yes” easily becomes a habit, and it’s really difficult to change a fixed pattern of behavior. Remember your colleagues. Can you guess what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your colleagues, accustomed to your reliability, will most likely come to you with so many requests that you simply cannot fulfill them. Thus, the habit of constantly agreeing to requests for work will lead to congestion, because you take on more than you can do or what you really have to do. This leads to stress, frustration, hostility, conflict and mistakes, and over time the situation only worsens.
So, the ability to refuse, when you consider it necessary, is an important skill that must be mastered. You will probably have situations when you want to help someone, even if this is not convenient for you. Remember: assertiveness means respect for your needs and rights to the same extent as for the rights of others, as well as consent, when necessary, to compromise.
Many people do not like to say no, believing that there is only one way to do this - direct refusal. Such a “no” may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression you want to make at work. You seek to establish good relationships with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for your own sake - your health and well-being. So you should be able to say no, but in such a way as to demonstrate respect for the needs of another person. There are different ways to fail, which depend on the situation. Here are three basic options.
Direct rejection - The most uncompromising way, and it is rarely suitable for use at work. They often resort to it when someone’s rights are violated. In such cases, you can loudly and firmly add: “You don’t hear, I said no.”
Please provide additional information or a promise “some other time” - an opportunity for discussion, while the refusal remains among the possible options.
Thoughtful no - The most delicate way, because you show that you have heard the interlocutor.
Further, I will explain in detail what each of these options is, however, the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude to it and the person who makes the request, because it can be your mentor, immediate supervisor, colleague or team member to whom you really want to help.
Do not try to radically and instantly change your behavior. This is especially true for failures, as you can shock colleagues who do not expect the leopard to suddenly change color. It is much better to start small, train hard and change gradually.